An Update…If Anyone Was Wondering

It’s been a while. I have one draft that needs finishing, but I wanted to just get something out. Maybe it’s all the posts about milestones (6 months post D-Day, 9 months, etc.). I’m am still finding bursts of time to read, but it’s not daily like it used to be. But I’m forcing myself to post because early on after D-Day (and D-Day2) I would get frustrated when a betrayed spouse would disappear from their blog. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted hope.

So here I am to give you hope.

My 6 months post D-Day2 was earlier this month and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize the 6 months anniversary for D-Day either. What does that mean? Maybe it’s related to the fact that I have no problem keeping our RV and bed even though he slept with OW#1 there. I think I’m weird, but that is a whole other post.

Things are good. I feel guilty because I read about so many of you who are suffering so much. I think H might be special…as special as a cheater can be. I guess I mean weird (just like me). Also, we have done a lot of work. And perhaps that is what I should write about:

1. Therapy for the Betrayed Spouse
   I think my therapist has just been a living, breathing, sounding board. I knew a lot of what she told me about the healing process, but I think therapy can be so incredibly helpful for anyone. It gives you a place to work on yourself – understanding your past to inform your present to guide the future you want. So to all the betrayed spouses I urge you to strongly consider therapy.
   I don’t have insurance to cover it, so I negotiated my rate. It’s a good investment as long as you find the right therapist (don’t rush this step). I balance making it a financial priority with limiting it enough to make it fit in our budget. Even if your marriage doesn’t work out, you can benefit from individual therapy so it seems like a no-brainer to me.
2. Improving Communication
   My therapist isn’t great, but it is easy for me to relate and communicate with most anyone, so it works for me. Plus, she gave me one piece of advice that I would say was by far the most helpful thing for H and I to improve communication. She suggested we pick a weekly day/time to sit and talk, taking turns on who takes the lead on communicating and bringing up the issue/topic. I am a good communicator; H is not. This exercise has helped give H structure for sharing his feelings and it helps me be a better listener rather than taking over with my own stuff.
   What really sold me was a couple weeks ago it was my turn to talk, which is never a problem for me, and H wanted to share. I didn’t feel an urgency to share so I just let him go. I was in awe of listening to my husband share on such an intimate level. I told him I was proud of him. And I was.
   We are getting into the routine of regular communication, and it seems like it is getting more natural. And especially lately, we have been successful at having calm discussions – not letting it escalate into something more. It feels good.
3. Therapy for the Betrayer
   H’s therapy was critical. Without it, I do not believe we would make it. What I’m saying is that the cheating spouse must do therapy. I seriously believe it’s the only way to have a chance of lasting change (and even then, it’s just a chance). The betrayer must examine the hard questions: how? why? Otherwise, I do not believe they can change their future behavior. We are creatures of habit, and if they succumbed to infidelity once, they can easily do it again unless they learn otherwise. And that takes work. But if the marriage is going to succeed, it will take a lot of work.
   H is exploring his emotions and experiences in a way he never has, and it’s forcing him to face his faults and grow as a person. It is giving him a toolbox for dealing with his feelings in a healthy way. It’s helping prevent a repeat of his betrayal because he is finding other ways to cope with his own challenges.
4. Changing Habits
   I am a better person now. It actually started before I was betrayed – certainly before I knew I was betrayed. I think I recognized a stagnancy in our relationship. I also knew that we would be apart for 3 weeks, and perhaps that is what gave me the jolt. I decided to chop off my hair. H loves short hair on women and I have always brushed off his suggestion that I cut mine short. But last summer it struck me that it’s just hair, and with my love of surprises, I concocted a plan. And it feels like my hair was the catalyst. I look amazing with short hair, and that feels pretty good.
   On top of that, I started exercising more. I have always been curvy – in a way that was still pretty hot, but at times bordered on larger than hot. And with 3 weeks of free time from H and Little Sir (our son), I was motivated to exercise.
   Then D-Day and D-Day2 happened, and exercise was one of the few things that kept my pain at bay. It was a paradigm shift – I hope it’s permanent. But I think my own change has helped me cope with the betrayal.
   My life has been turned upside down like a snow globe (a reference to my very first blog post, but so true). Everything changed. And I’m embracing a lot of the change. I plan on coming out the other side stronger…stronger individually, and stronger as a couple.

But let me clarify. I was happy before all this. I did not deserve this betrayal. I deserved better, and I will demand better from here on out.

And now I want to address my husband, H. It’s funny calling him H on this blog because it is nothing like what I would call him. But you have to love anonymity. I didn’t share this blog with him at first, but then I did. I know he checks it regularly and reads my posts, but we rarely talk about it directly. Many of the same topics come up between us. I don’t think he reads things that totally surprise him, but we don’t directly discuss this blog much.

Hi, H! I hope this post seems more hopeful than a lot of what you read from me. It’s easier to write about the negative. But this post is about hope. I am starting to believe in you. In both of us. And it amazes me. You have grown so much in 6 months. I see your struggles, but I also see you pushing through them. I see you doing the work. I know that there is more work to come, but I feel like we will get through it together.

Even so, I still go through triggers – things beyond my control. Most recently was when you pointed out a necklace I got at the event. I realized that when I got that necklace you were likely starting down the slippery slope of fucking KS (she’s the OW#2 of course). It made me want to ask you if it was dusk when you ducked into a private-but-not-really spot to succumb to your attraction. Or was it earlier, perhaps when I was given that necklace? That was just before dusk. I don’t know if I even want that necklace anymore. And I don’t really know if I should still be asking questions like that.

So back to the others reading. I’m hopeful. But I’m still hurting. I do think I’m pulling back on blogging, but I will make an effort to touch base. If only to be of help to others. I know I needed the help so much in the beginning. I still find comfort in reading the stories of others. But my need isn’t as strong, and that alone must be proof that I am making progress. H & I both are.

We even have a plan to tell more people. In a completely different way than my To Tell or Not To Tell series of blog posts. I’ll talk about that soon. It has changed my whole opinion on talking about infidelity. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with infidelity, even if I don’t have time to comment on every post.