Processing a Near Miss vs a Direct Hit

http://longtimemending.wordpress.com/2012/11/27/near-misses-2/

The above post is by a blogger I just discovered yesterday. His writing style makes me giggle because he is a bit all over the place. I like him because he just seems really genuine. I really didn’t connect with the post above until almost halfway through, but then I found something that really rang true for me.

longtimemending addresses the fact that it seems (at least in the blogging world) that wayward spouses don’t seem to want to really work on the aftermath of the affair. And this is extremely frustrating for the betrayed spouses.

He concludes that the aftermath of the affair is just a “near miss” for the wayward spouse if the betrayed spouse decides to stay. A near miss in that they almost lose everything (spouse, full time with kids, house, etc.). And when they don’t lose it all, they just want to move on as quickly as possible. They know the infidelity is in the past so why would they want to talk about it? It’s embarrassing.

On the other hand, for the betrayed spouse it is no “near miss,” rather the betrayal is like a shot straight through their heart. They are shaken to the core, and when lying was a part of the infidelity (which is almost always is), it isn’t so easy to take what the wayward spouse says at face value. It seems impossible to move forward quickly because everything is different. They want to move on, but they are dealing with something on the same level as a major trauma. Often they are actually diagnosed with PTSD.

I read blogs and online articles on infidelity because I feel like I’m fatally wounded and I am desperate to heal. I feel frustrated that H doesn’t seem to have the same level of “top of mind” – of course, that is just my perspective. When I have talked to him about it he says that he processes things differently than me. But I think it’s more than that. He only experienced a “near miss” so he isn’t fatally wounded as I am. Perhaps it would have been a trauma for him if I decided to leave him.

I am lucky in that H started individual therapy without a fuss, is reading Not Just “Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass, and will read anything I send him to read. But these things are all at my request. I would like to see more initiative from him.

Perhaps I need to frame it differently now that I’ve been thinking about this “near miss” idea. Maybe I need to let him process the way he processes (I do feel like therapy is best for him to do this), but ask more of him in the way of assisting me with my recovery. After all, I’m the one who is bleeding out.

So what assistance do I need? Even though it’s repetitive  I think the trauma has made it so I need to hear the same thing over and over: he loves me, he wants me, he is working on himself, he will never do this again, he is sorry for _____________(specifics), etc., etc. And maybe I need even more repetition than usual because he said these things right before having sex with KS (OW #2). He’s done this already, but usually only after my mini meltdowns or with important days like Thanksgiving.

We have always kissed goodbye and hello, but I feel like I need more hand holding and touching on a regular basis. This isn’t like me, but then again, everything has changed for me in the last 3 months.

Finally, I’d like him to anticipate triggers and sensitive topics more and initiate addressing them. For example, if infidelity comes up on a TV show we are watching it would be nice if he said, “I know it must be difficult for you to see, do you want to watch something else?” I’ll probably be fine with it (I don’t have the same problems with songs, movies, etc. that other betrayed spouses seem to have), but having him address it makes me feel like he cares.

I’ve told him all of this already (maybe not as well put as I can in writing) and I do think he is trying. In fact, I have an example of him taking the initiative on anticipating triggers. We are going to a wedding this weekend (traveling out of state so I’ll be offline for several days). H mentioned this week that there is a very outside chance that Nurse (OW #1) could be at the wedding. It’s actually a slim chance, but I hadn’t thought about it at all. He went further and actually took the time to research to see if she is on the Facebook event page for the wedding. Then, most importantly, he told me that he tried to investigate it. She probably won’t be there, but his actions have given me the chance to think about what I would do if she is. And we were able to talk about what he should do.

Even though he is trying, it sometimes just doesn’t feel like enough. Perhaps there is no enough…just time. I am the kind of person who just wants to get it done and move on. This is the first thing I’ve experienced where I know it’s going to take time. A lot of time. And I lost my mom to cancer when I was 27 (among a lot more that I’ve dealt with in my lifetime). This is harder.