First of all, in the name of full disclosure, I have the flu. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had the flu. Also, it resulted in me missing pretty much all of Christmas. So it’s entirely possible that I just have my grumpy pajamas on (usually it’s pants, but I’m sick).
Very soon after D-Day2 (if you don’t know my story, you might consider reading through my first 5 posts on this blog) H asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked for a love letter. I wanted to see in writing why he loves me – something I could look at on repeat to counteract looking at the e-mails from KS (OW #2). My birthday was weeks after D-Day2 so I wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate. H is a good writer. He has written messages in cards that made me swoon early on in our relationship. This is not out of his range of ability.
H got me ___________ for my birthday. Maybe it’s the fever, but I seriously can’t recall what he got me right now (I’m sure it will come to me at 2am). What I do remember is that he did not give me a love letter. Or even a card. But I kept my cool. I just calmly said I was disappointed that I didn’t get a love letter. He apologized and said he forgot, and asked that I e-mail it to him so he would remember. I sent him his “homework” on October 3rd (I only know this because I just checked my e-mail sent folder), emphasizing that it didn’t need to be a sonnet or anything, and that I’d also like more “love messages” from him on a regular basis.
I guess I define “love messages” as little e-mails, notes, Facebook posts, etc., and H has been good at these. He seems to make the effort to send little things via e-mail and Facebook.
But still no love letter. I believe I mentioned it during a fight in a “why haven’t you given me a love letter? Do you not have anything to say?” [me sobbing]. He said he had some notes in his notebook, and did I want him to show me? I should have said yes, but I also wanted him to finish it and give it to my proper (not at my request during a fight). He consoled me, apologized, and we made up (that hysterical bonding sure is great, I tell ya).
Finally, with Christmas approaching I decide he must be saving it for the holiday. My presents were piling up from H, and I started to feel guilty. Guilty because Christmas 2012 is not going to go down as one of my finest for gift giving. I just wasn’t feeling it. H reassured me that he didn’t need much, and that he bought enough stuff for himself that I could put some of it under the tree. Not really very romantic or fun, but what can you do? Now don’t get me wrong, my presents were great, but no love letter…still.
Getting the flu just added insult to injury. Due to my “carrier monkey” status (I wouldn’t wish this flu on anyone, including the other women), I sent H and Little Sir (our 2 1/2 year old son) down to my dad’s house without me for the Christmas festivities. It had to be the worst Christmas ever. But I didn’t want Little Sir to miss it – I mean, have you seen 2 year olds on Christmas Day? It’s ridiculously cute. And Little Sir can’t drive himself yet (13 years, 3 months, 12 days and counting), so of course H took him. It was just really sad. But boy it would have been much easier if I had a love letter to read over and over in between bathroom runs (yes, that kind of flu).
They were only gone for a few hours, and I did sleep for most of it actually, but I also laid in bed thinking. Last night I started crying, mostly because I felt like poo, and H pressed me about what else was wrong. So I told him that I was hoping for a love letter for Christmas. He started to cry immediately and I could see him beating himself up inside. Then he said that I deserved better. That I don’t ask too much of him and he isn’t worthy of my love.
Wouldn’t it be way easier if he just made himself worthy rather than beating himself up about not being worthy? Why is he avoiding this letter? I know he has written something down. Heck, after the 3rd time I mentioned it he could have just copied what he wrote in his notebook and handed it over the next day.
Please, any wayward spouses out there – any ideas? I know it’s not that he doesn’t really love me or anything like that. It’s also not because he doesn’t have time (he has plenty of time for Facebook, Amazon, and Etsy). What is the holdup here? Also, whether your betrayed spouse has asked for one or not, GIVE HER A LOVE LETTER. Not just, “I love you,” because that might be a trigger. But make it about her. Why is she lovable? What makes her special? Trust me on this.
Also, if she specifically asks you for something. Do it. Not next year, like now. Or by the weekend. Don’t make her bring it up 4 times over 3+ months.
Okay, now I need to go lay down again…
betrayedbymybestfriend 
So sorry to hear you have the flu, I hope it passes quickly. We’ve had the funk going around our house as well. I understand the want and need for a love letter, I also asked my husband to write me a letter telling me why he loved me. He worked on it for weeks and gave it to me last April, I’ll include a link to his wordpress http://ijones351.wordpress.com, it kinda reveals who we are but oh well.. I don’t much care anymore. The wordpress letter is edited, he gave me the unedited version that was just for us. I hope you get your letter soon. I’m sure it’s hard for them to write love letters given the severity of infidelity. I needed it to understand how he could have cheated on me and claimed to have loved me at the same time. When I get upset at him or lose hope he’ll tell me to read the letter. Keep giving H gentle reminders, maybe set some alone time aside for him to write it.
I wish my wife would ask me to write her a love letter!
Maybe she doesn’t want to ask? I don’t know. It sounds like she is dealing with your situation very differently than I am. But then again, my husband made his mistakes over the course of a couple of weeks, not 3 years.
I am proud of you for sticking it out even though she doesn’t give you a lot of hope. Maybe you should write down the things you love about her and save it for a time when it feels right to give it to her. If she makes progress on her recovery (toward reconciliation), she will want it. I promise.
Don’t wait for her to ask…just do it. Do it now, be careful how you write it and mean every word!
You are right. I, too, read through many emails that he wrote swooning for the OW. He always says the words meant little and it’s so easy to write things in an email that are not true or based on real feelings. But yet, one of the emails I remember clearly is one he wrote on our anniversary. He wrote about how he wished he was with her, by the fire, rubbing her shoulders drinking a glass of wine….. It went on. It kills me.
I think he had to work on our anniversary last year and he must have written it at work. He has no memory of it. But I told him-you treated her like a woman you wanted to impress… You wanted her heart to melt with your words…. You wanted to make her happy. But me? You didn’t write me a note on our anniversary. You didn’t send me love emails. You didn’t care about my desires or needs. You treated me like my feelings and needs didn’t matter. I could take care of myself…. But not her. She needed his help. She needed his “love” to get through each day. I try not to let it bother me… But deep down it still hurts. I keep telling him, I am a girl. I want to be loved. I like flowers and surprises. I like to be courted too. I am here, we are married but I am still a girl that needs love.
I hope we both get our love letters.
Oh, I’m so sorry you had to read such words written for someone else. Luckily, my husband didn’t have a full blown affair, and didn’t ever write anything like that (perhaps I was being overdramatic). But it doesn’t change the fact that his actions made me feel unloved. And I want to see in words how he feels about me. Written words last so much longer than spoken words.
Hey specklier, thanks for following my blog / story. I am going to follow yours too. Reading what you wrote above, it feels to me like he isn’t feeling it and that is why he can’t write you a love letter. Maybe he is preoccupied with what happened, or is missing the OW(s). The crying and saying he is not worthy of your love could be a diversion tactic from something else he’s done. Are you still checking text messages, email, internet etc? I’m not trying to be mean or cruel or negative, just honest, you did ask what we think. Sadly, this is what I think. I hope I am wrong. ♥
Wouldn’t it be way easier if he just made himself worthy rather than beating himself up about not being worthy?
Why is it that they have such a hard time understanding this? Stop telling me I deserve a better man, just be the better man that I deserve…geesh.
Amen!
Seriously.
My husband did the same thing. It’s so easy for them to beat themselves up, instead of simply giving you what you need and asked specifically for. I suspect it’s them being a little passive-aggressive, though not necessarily intentional.
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